I was going back through my old content, and the topic of “gay excuses” seemed to be recurring in my early posts. These are the typical excuses provided by gay men that you’re trying to date or otherwise get-to-know in some capacity. They can be confusing, infuriating, and often, complete bullshit. Here, I look into 5 popular excuses provided by gay men and what they might actually mean…
#1: I Have To Go The Gym – Perhaps the most popular gay excuse is the fitness-oriented. This can take many forms, “I’m going on a hike,” “I have an appointment with my trainer,” “I’ll be at the gym for three hours,” etc. On the one hand, this means that the person you’re dealing with prioritizes fitness and health, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps the gym is paramount to their weekly routine to meet some fitness or wellness goal, and they don’t want to skip it or mess up their streak. Part of me respects that, as a person who tries to go to the gym as often as possible for mental health benefits. However, it is also very likely that you’re dealing someone who prioritizes themselves over all others. Again, not always bad, but if you’re seeking a friendship or relationship with this person, you are not going to be high on their list for a while (or ever). You may also be dealing with someone so obsessed with their physical appearance that they refuse to put anything or anyone before it. This may signal some type of obsession or underlying self-esteem issue depending on the person, after all, we are all more important than our physical appearance. If the person you’re talking to has expressed interest in spending time with you, and you have built a solid initial connection (via app, meeting at a prior function, etc.), they should be willing to adjust their schedule a bit to fit in what might possibly be a great connection. Sure it’s a minor inconvenience, but it is pretty easy to do. Perhaps they can work out in the morning instead of the evening, or move one of their gym days, or (God forbid) skip the gym once or twice to further a social relationship that might enhance their lives in a mental and emotional (rather than physical) capacity. You might even offer to go on the hike or workout with them, as a point of bonding or to show them that you understand the importance of their goal. The point is, there is always a way around this excuse, and the guys that are completely unwilling to budge on it consistently just don’t value or prioritize the potential of you in their life.
#2: Work Is Crazy – This is a tricky one because for most of us, work dictates our schedule. Any type of new dating or social interaction is always going to be secondary to getting your coin. However, I find that guys tend to abuse the work excuse, since they can almost never be caught or disproven about it if they’re lying. “I need to work over the weekend,” or “I spent a lot of late nights at work this week” are something a third party can’t verify unless they are already stalking you. Plus, most of us understand this excuse and deal with it ourselves. With work excuses, you should try to be a bit patient. If it happens a couple times, it might be legit. If it happens continuously, you may have someone abusing it. If they have expressed any sort of interest in getting to know you, they need to understand that it will require some effort above and beyond their established work-home routine. Meeting new people is work, but it is generally easy and often enjoyable if you like who you’ve met. If you keep getting this excuse, the guy might be lying or leading you on in some way – maybe he likes your attention but not enough to meet, or maybe he’s just avoiding an awkward “let’s stop talking” conversation. It is also possible that he’s just actually very busy, which to me says it’s not a great time in his life to meet new people. That’s valid, but doesn’t mean you should be strung along until he is.
#3: I’m Going to Brunch – Another popular excuse is the ubiquitous “brunch,” and various other “brunch-like” social situations. First off, this excuse tells you that you’re dealing with a social and somewhat fun guy – which is generally good. He likely has a circle of friends he brunches with, so at least he’s not completely awkward. On the other hand, he may have a penchant for bottomless mimosas – which can be good or bad depending on who you’re asking. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been put off or delayed for a standing brunch appointment. Sure, if it happens once, it may have been something scheduled and the guy doesn’t want to bail on his friends. That shows good character, and I can’t judge that. Furthermore, it’s not a great look to be “that guy” who immediately ditches friends to pursue some new and exciting guy from an app. You want someone consistent and level-headed. That said, if a guy has expressed interest in meeting you, a brunch is generally a casual and fun commitment that should be easy to get out of. What’s more important, this ritual of talking shit and drinking on the weekend or potentially making a great connection with someone? There is no right or wrong answer – but the guy who won’t cancel brunch is telling you where his priorities are. Brunch is how a lot of people unwind and relax, so in that sense, I can respect it as a ritual – but a bit less than wellness rituals. Brunch generally means alcohol, and it’s hard for me to put that on par with a morning jog or meditation. If you are a gay man, you are going to encounter the brunch excuse. If a guy puts you off for brunch more than once, having fun with his existing circle is simply more of a priority to him than breaking his routine to spend time with you.
#4: I’m Laying Low –– Here’s one I can totally relate to – “I’m laying low tonight/this weekend/for 2019.” I respect this as one of the more honest excuses a guy can provide. Rather than creating some event or ritual, he’s simply telling you, I am mentally and physically not up to meeting you right now. It’s best to respect this excuse – if you push a guy telling you he wants to lay low, you may find yourself on a date or outing with someone rather unpleasant. He might be tired, have an attitude, and the situation will not be conducive to a good connection. The best connections happen when people are relatively relaxed and in a positive emotional place. That is generally not true for guys who want to “lay low.” This is an excuse that you should only tolerate for 2-3 times in my opinion (and depending on how into the guy you are). People might be going through a stressful period at work, or a rough life patch. Perhaps they have met you in some capacity and see the potential, but just need more energy or time before they can put forth the effort. Essentially, they may be “putting you on hold.” This is understandable for a while, but if you have someone that constantly wants to lay low instead of hang out with you, he is telling you that he is not in the right place to foster a new relationship in person. These guys can also be confusing because you may be hitting it off via text and that gives you hope or gets you more connected to them in the meantime. Maybe the “lay low” guys will be ready in a few weeks, months, or even years, but it’s not your job (nor is it healthy for you) to sit around and deal with this hot and cold excuse.
#5: You Can Meet Me There If You Want – I have gotten this excuse a surprising amount of times. The “you can meet me there” excuse is provided by a guy who is either a poor scheduler, or simply refuses to alter his schedule to make time for you. He has an existing social engagement or plan, and rather than disappoint you (or whomever he has the plan with), he invites you to tag along. For most people, this is uncomfortable and weird since they are still forging a brand new relationship with you. No one really wants to “meet the friends” on the first or second date. Hell, let me find out if I want to “meet you” first. These guys generally mean well, after all, it’s not a negative thing to want to keep everyone happy. But this excuse also signals poor prioritization and perhaps an inability to take affirmative action. Perhaps this person is afraid to cancel or disappoint his friends, or perhaps he just wants to have it all. Either scenario is not ideal if you are trying to make a strong connection. People pleasers are generally nice, but you want someone who will tell you how it is and keep it real at times too. A relationship founded on one person constantly pleasing the other provides a very poor and shallow foundation. On the other hand, if the guy just can’t prioritize or mix you into his schedule more formally within a few tries, he probably doesn’t view meeting you as seriously as you view meeting him. Maybe if some of his friends get boo’d up and ditch him, he’ll realize he should have made some time for new connections as well.