Sex & Hooking Up / The Problem Guests

The Problem Guests: Sexual Identity, Shame, and a Need for Healing

Written by @unicorns_drink_blood

I want to start this off by saying, I am a proud gay man. I love men. I love the interexchange of energy and sexual desire, without fear I accept and revel in the expression of said desire. It has not been an easy journey. Learning to accept my sexuality and express it in healthy ways is and has been life work. My goal is to experience the full range of my person, without judgement and without shame. Too often I see men, especially queer/gay men, distorting their sexual identity into an easy to swallow two dimensional presentation. Often relying on stereotypes of what it is to be “male” to set acceptable parameters. Letting society define your sexual self is limiting at best and dangerous or detrimental at worst. Forcing parts of ourselves to remain in the shadows is in reality telling ourselves we are ashamed of our person.

The danger in allowing society to define acceptable is that society often believes acceptable males are dominant and or aggressive. Society often sees these traits as the way “normal” men express and enjoy their sexuality, when the truth is very different. Inside of us is an entire being. One that is waiting to be witnessed, honored, and loved. To imagine yourself as solely inhabiting one side of your sexual self is so limiting. Laboring extremes like these often lead to an internal imbalance. Taking time and effort to extinguish the parts of ourselves that don’t fit inside that narrative is often how we invest sexually. I would love to see a world where that energy is put toward integration. The end product of internal manipulation of self is often shame. Integration often leads to compassion and empowerment. Hence my interest in the latter

For many years I was a sex worker. Although, under that banner I wore many hats. I’ve danced, made porn, worked solely in BDSM arenas and I’ve spent years as a cam model on Chaturbate. I bring this up to say, I have a little experience in how gay men access sexual relief in our society. The one thing that all these arenas had in common was that in every one I saw the profound shame that most gay/queer men operate under. The shame often being expressed in abusive behavior. As I represented unabashed sexual agency, I was often the actual target of said behavior. Sadly, it was often utilized to level perceived power imbalances. As I am more effeminate, it was often to remind me of my “lower” status. Something that has always blown my mind as these men literally sought me out. I’ve had death threats, had people try to expose me in work environments, notify my child’s school, etc. This all stemming from a resentment that I didn’t subscribe to the same self loathing.  I’ve seen gay men at their most hateful. time and time i saw this rooted in a very lopsided view of self expression.

In my opinion extremes of that nature point one thing: gay men are in desperate need of healing. Self acceptance being key. A healthy understanding of the full spectrum of their sexual person being unavoidable. Shame needing to be a facilitator for growth and nothing more. Healing this shame is integral to us moving forward as a community.

Sadly we see this distortion and self loathing play out time and time again. Even in our courtship rituals and flirting. Especially in the sending of nudes. An act which on it’s own screams sexual agency. It’s my belief it’s shame that is the driving force when gay men attack or demean a person for enjoying said agency. Seeking often to project onto others who don’t wrestle with the same issues. If there is anything I would hope to see for gay men, it would be the healing of our communities through healthy intimacy. A greater understanding of the full spectrum of self as sexual being, and the ability to allow that freedom in others.

signed…ethical slut

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