Dating / Relationship Advice

Weight A Minute, Boo: Gay Dating and Weight Issues

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#judgment

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#weight

A while back I posted a video on my Instagram based on a follower question.  The follower was wondering how weight plays a role in gay dating and relationships.  He felt that people who lost a dramatic amount of weight and are dating become fixated on something else. For example, now they are obsessed with the gym and diet (are these bad things? lol) and can’t just be “normal.”

This made me consider the broader issue here.  We all know that gay men are stereotyped as being extremely image conscious and judgmental.  I began to wonder what other issues center around weight in our community?  Since I did not have much experience on the topic, I turned it back on you guys for your input.  I got some pretty interesting responses…here are some of them:

  1. It is so crazy…I’m only 220 pounds and 5’10” and [gays] think I’m too fat ughh shallow.

2. I feel like a jerk because I went on a date with someone (who had a football style build).  I ordered a ton of fatty food and he ordered something minimal.  I jokingly asked, “are you on a diet?” With a proud look on his face he answered “yeah – I just lost 100 pounds.”  I was proud of him, but I couldn’t help but wonder “what if he gets fat again?”  Shallow and stupid, I know.  I saw home one time after that but he was more into hooking up than an actual relationship.

3. I was in a long term relationship for 18 years, I got “fhappy” (fat and happy), then he died of cancer.  Now I have to try to meet guys at 47 years old without a gym body and it is the worst!

4. It used to be an issue for me but I found someone who didn’t give a sh*t about my weight so now we’re out there trying all kinds of food.  We’ve been together for seven years…lucky me!

From these responses, I see a theme emerge.  It is definitely clear that the gay community can be harsh when it comes to the issues of weight.  There seems to be a lot of judgment going on.  What we see in comment 2 is, even when someone is not overweight and has taken on a healthier lifestyle, some guys may still worry that they can revert to their old ways.

In comment 3, we see someone who was in a comfortable relationship where weight didn’t matter, and had to deal with a tragic loss of his partner.  Now he is forced to deal with shallow and judgmental dating pool and is having a hard time.  But, in comment 4 we get a little glimpse of hope.  I think that is my takeaway here.  Shallow and judgmental guys are always going to exist.  It seems to me that if you are dealing with weight issues or being judged for your weight, a shallow and judgmental guy is never going to be right for you anyway.

What we should do is learn to recognize that if someone makes you feel bad for any aspect of who you are, they are never going to be right for you.  Accordingly, the things they have to say about you are meaningless.  With patience, you will find someone that is understanding of who you are in every version.  So if you decide to lose weight, gain weight, or maintain weight, that person will always be there because they love you for every other reason.  The reasons that matter.  And that, my friends, is what we call a real one.

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One thought on “Weight A Minute, Boo: Gay Dating and Weight Issues

  1. The old saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover” has no meaning with gay guys. Unfortunately we are all about the cover especially younger guys I feel. To that point if you have extra weight and are happy with your body, that counts for a lot. For myself I am fitness obsessed a bit but that isn’t a deal break when it comes to dating. There is nothing worse than a guy with a rocking body and a horrible disposition. Abs can get flabby but nothing helps a bad personality.

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